Pondering Peace

"Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain, if our will remains firm and submissive. Peace in this life springs from acquiescence to, not in an exemption from, suffering." —Francois Fenelon

Today marks 1 year since my subtalar joint fusion. This was done in hopes of lessening the pain in my ankle. Unfortunately it resulted in a nonunion, described by Wikipedia as being "a permanent failure of healing following a broken bone." The pain increased immensely, and despite using a bone growth stimulator and seeing some progress, it hasn't healed. So here I am, looking at another surgery, a revision of the fusion, and essentially another summer "lost". Hey, I'm a Florida girl who LOVES the beach!

In all seriousness though, I have PEACE. I can't tell you the last time that I had peace. In fact, you are reading the writing of a girl who has the book, "Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie on her nightstand. (I moved it in there a week or so ago from my bookshelf in my desperate attempt to beat stress). But I haven't even opened it. I haven't needed to. Will I? Possibly in the future. I have read the first chapter or so several years back, and I do recall it had some great insight. But for now, I'll read my Bible.

It's amazing how the more intimate you are with the Savior, the more your thought life aligns with the things of the Spirit.

I was actually driving down the road the other day when my mouth dropped open as I thought, "I have peace. I have peace about my life, my ankle, my marriage, and my future." I am sure that my deliverance session with my pastor helped IMMENSELY, as we sent the spirit of fear packing, but ultimately it was a combination of that and intimacy with the Father.

Quieting the voice of the enemy is crucial to hearing the voice of God more clearly.

It's so easy to get caught up in the little things, and distracted by all that there is to distract us. There are so many things fighting for our attention. But I have found that when I get away to a quiet place, dive into God's word, and enter into His presence uninhibited, the worries of the world (and myself) melt away in the fire of God's love. This fire is available to all of us, at all times. We just need to be still enough to tap into it. May you be consumed with the peace, love, and joy of Daddy God in all circumstances, despite how challenging they may be.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”    —John 14:27

Re-birth Day

It's been quite awhile since my last blog post, and I am slowly but surely trying to get back into blogging. I know my overall blog needs some updating, and I plan to do that, time permitting. However, today marks five years since my re-birth day, and I thought it fitting to make a short post regarding the journey I have been on.

It's hard to believe that my accident happened only five years ago.  I feel like it has been a decade if not longer. I've had to learn to walk again, brush my teeth again, write again, and so much more. I've become humbled by the fact that there were many things I simply couldn't do anymore—many things that I have to rely on other people to do for me. This whole concept was very new to me, having served five years in the military, and it was a difficult adjustment at first. I became like a child, which at the age of 25 wasn't easy. It's by God's grace and grace alone that I have made it this far.

After ten surgeries and increased pain, I often find myself questioning whether or not it is God's will to heal me. I become frustrated with the pain, my limited mobility, and the endless questions that I get asked. But thankfully I come to my senses and realize that I have read the Book, and it is very much His will to heal me. I have to dispel the lie of the enemy—the lie of the world—and believe in the promises of my God. He speaks truths to me that no one else can. He teaches me to rely on Him, rather than my own strength, because He knows that on my own I would fail miserably. And He's right—I have many times. May 29, 2009 marked a new beginning in my life; it was a beginning where I had to allow my Papa to carry me for quite some time before I was able to begin baby steps with Him by my side.

Five years later I am still leaning on Him for support, and trusting that He will not let me down. He gave me the strength needed to graduate May 10th, walked me down the isle one year ago May 17th, and took me through deliverance two years ago today. It's proof that April showers do indeed bring May flowers. And while often times it seems like a year of thunderstorms rather than April showers, I can rest in knowing that I am loved by the God of the universe, and that every now and then I will get a glimpse of the larger harvest I will one day reap. It may not be during my time on this earth, but that is the beauty of eternity; life is a grain of sand on the shoreline of eternity.

Out with the Old, In with the New!

     Wow! 2011 is finally coming to a close! As I reflect on the past year I am surprised at how FAST it flew by! In this year I went back to school, had my 8th surgery, got engaged, had my 9th surgery (a total ankle replacement), moved back to Virginia, got unengaged (thank the Lord!), and moved back to Florida (thank the Lord again!). As with every year it has been a year of change, but I am thankful for the many blessings as well as the lessons that turned into blessings! 

     As with each new year, I make my list of resolutions. I like to call them "goals," and I like to meet them! I will also focus more on my "Bucket List," and do the things my heart longs to do. I can't wait to reread the book, "Success is not an Accident" by Tommy Newberry. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone wanting a "change," and wanting to set goals and actually accomplish them! 

     I pray that each and every one of you have a very BLESSED new year filled with happiness, laughter, sunshine, and goals accomplished! You only get one shot at this life, so live LOVED! And remember; the BEST is YET to COME!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Faith

Always look to the cross.

    It's hard to explain. It's not tangible; not something you hold in your hand, yet you have it. You keep it. You hold onto it. It's not something you see, but rather something you believe and hope for. It's throwing prayers into the sky and believing they won't come back down to you. Trusting that the God of the universe takes hold of them and puts them into action. Jesus tells his disciples in Matthew 21:21-22:

 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

     No, Jesus isn't talking about some black magic to moving mountains, but having faith that our heavenly Father will stand by His word, answering our prayers. I often hear people say,"God didn't answer my prayer, so He must not care." Beloved, the truth is that He often answers our prayers in ways we will not understand until a later time. I refer to these moments as blessings in disguise, because often times we experience something so tragic and heartbreaking, but after some time passes, God opens our eyes to why he didn't answer our prayer the way we wanted Him to. After all, He is our Father and He knows best. Let me explain further...

     After my car accident I was VERY angry. I went through the whole "why me?" phase, and even cursed God from my hospital bed. It wasn't long before my anger turned to PRAISE, and I was crying out from my hospital bed, "How can I repay you?!" I decided to commit my life to God, having FAITH that God was going to do great things with my life, even if I couldn't walk again. I prayed for healing. I prayed HARD for healing, but I always concluded my prayer with "not my will Father, but YOUR will." Times were difficult, and still are, but it's faith that has kept me on the narrow path, finding good in every situation. 

     One of my favorite verses is found in the book of Hebrews, chapter 11 verse 1: 

 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

     How amazing is that? It's not always easy, but having faith in the darkest moments can shine forth a light brighter than the noonday sun. What's to lose? Seriously, what do you have to lose by having faith? By believing in Christ? It's a simple question, but in actuality you don't have anything to lose by doing so, but you have a lot to lose by not doing so. You have an eternity in paradise to lose. "Oh, come on, that Heaven stuff is a bunch of junk," you say. Yeah? Well that "junk" will sound sweet as honey compared to an eternity in the eternal fire. So why not believe? 

     Beloved, this world is a terrible place, full of much evil and wickedness. It's apparent everytime you turn on the TV. This is why we are to "...take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." (Ephesians 6:16) Are you struggling in your faith right now? Are trials and tribulations overtaking you? If so, you are being refined in the fire like gold, and you will come out on the other side stronger than you were when you went into the fire. Reaquaint your knees with the carpet, and bring your requests to our loving Father before taking them to anyone else. God is faithful. <3

 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." ~Hebrews 11:6

Count Your Blessings (Not Your Curses!)

Save me...

     In the midst of a storm it is so easy to focus on the negative and become quickly lost in the raging waves that surround you. You tightly grip the sides of the boat trying to steady yourself, but to no avail. I am guilty of doing just that myself, getting lost in the sea of hopelessness holding my eyes tightly shut, wishing I would disappear. Then I remember...

Photo I took trying to be creative.

     I remember whose child I am and the promises my Father has made to me. I realize that no matter how alone I feel, He will NEVER leave me alone. He doesn't promise us that it will always be easy, but He promises to never leave us. There is comfort in that.

     I remember all that God has brought me through in the past, no matter how insignificant it may have been. I recall the hurt and pain I experienced during those times, how I never thought I'd "live" again, and how now they seem like distant memories. Like those trials, this too shall pass.

Recovering from my accident.

     I remember the story of Job, and how in the midst of his misfortune he fell to the ground and said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21) What a HUMBLE attitude! The man just lost his family, his farm, EVERYTHING, yet he fell to his knees in worship!

     With all that I have been struggling through here of late, my increased foot pain wasn't helping. I had been doing so well with the recovery, going to physical therapy three times a week and walking without my cane for a couple of weeks. Then, suddenly it became excruciatingly painful to walk at all. Well, last night while attempting to walk Dallas, I spoke out loud almost without thinking, "Lord, never let me forget." After I spoke the words it was as if I surprised myself at what I had just said (which I had) and I thought about it more. I certainly wasn't forgetting; not with the struggles I deal with on a daily basis in terms of mobility, but perhaps God was REMINDING me to TRUST Him. It was as if the skies parted and a James Earl Jones type voice thundered, "REMEMBER they said you'd never walk again. REMEMBER what I have brought you through." Wow. Here I was focusing on everything going wrong in my life, that I had forgotten all that was going RIGHT! How dangerous and habit forming that can become!

     I remember my blessings, no matter how big or small. I often write them out, and before I know it I have a list a page long in two columns! Upon doing this I quickly feel guilty for allowing my trials to consume so much of my energy, thoughts, and time. My list usually starts with a Savior who GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME! WoW! I have a friend who gave their life for ME. But it wasn't only for me, it was for you too! How amazing is that? I have a roof over my head, although I am moving soon, but will still have a roof over my head and food in my stomach! I have my LIFE after nearly losing it. I have a puppy whom I love with every inch of my heart. I have a car to get me places and gas in it's tank! The list goes on and on and on...

     So my friend, are you counting your blessings or your curses? According to Switchfoot, "every blessing comes with a set of curses," and I don't deny that to be true, but which are you choosing to focus on? I know, easier said than done. Trust me, I KNOW. But there comes a time when you need to pick up the pieces. For me, that time is now. It's a slow process, but I will rest in the assurance of my Father and He will hide me under the shelter of His mighty wings. After all, He was made for love. WE were made for love. And that's where we belong; "smack dab in the middle of His love." (Quote from The Shack)

Long Road Home

Beautiful NH pathway.

After about three years I am finally getting back to blogging. I decided to make a "fresh" one since I am embarking on a new journey; a journey upon the road less traveled. It seems as though the only thing constant in life is change, especially in my life, and as difficult as it may be there is no other choice but to embrace it with my head held high and back to the wind.

Two broken engagements and a mangled body later (along with a bunch of stuff in between), I stand firm in my faith knowing that everything will work out for the good of those who love Him, me being one of the "those." My pursuit of God never ceases, although at times I may appear more thirsty for Him than other times. At the moment I feel that I am in a dry and weary land where there is no water, just as David when he was in the desert of Judah (Psalm 63:1). I feel set up, washed out, and abandoned, yet I cling to the promise that my Shepherd leads me beside still water and comforts me with His rod and His staff. I try to remember all that He has delivered me from, one of the things being death itself. 

Road in Dade Dity, FL.

I'm currently living in Virginia after moving here for my ex-fiance, and now I am trying to re-rent the house that we signed for together so that I can move back home to Florida. He is a great man with a lot to offer, he's just not the man for me. It's difficult looking back and seeing where I was a year ago mentally, physically, and financially, and comparing it to where I am now. However, I do know that I have grown during this season in my life, even if it was during the hard stuff. Through it all I am to TRUST Him and know that He has a plan for my life, though it may be difficult for me to see at the time. Yes, I am taking the long road home. It's an uphill climb and I can't see the top, but I will get there. I will get there.